An Artists First Portrait: A Learning Experience About Life

Going through this process of learning art has been extremely difficult the past week. Week 3 of the program has been extremely challenging and has forced me find the courage to keep going even when I’ve been doubting myself. This week is all about drawing and we paint our first portrait. I have never drawn anything before, let alone painted a portrait. I already got the cardboard box drawing wrong and out of proportion. As I started to paint, the first layer of my monster portraits look like, well, monsters.

It’s just been a very challenging week.

One of the things I’ve been realizing is that learning art has been teaching me patience and kindness to myself. I need to show myself compassion and remind myself that I’ve never done this before and I just picked up a paintbrush two months ago at the age of 30. So it’s OK if I’m not producing at the level I wanna be because I will at some point. I think this is the first time I’ve actually wanted to stick to something and see it through. That I found something that while challenging is also inspiring. And that’s how learning a new skill should be.

That doesn’t take away from the fact that this week has been very challenging and I’ve been dreading doing this portrait but the only way I’m going to get better is if I try. And the only way I’ll get rid of my perfectionist tendencies is if I just do it…

Through out the whole week as I was working on this painting I had so many negative thoughts.

“You’re terrible at this, why are you even trying to become an artist?”

“Just give up already, theres no point.”

“I’m never successful at anything.” (The spiral continued…)

At one point I even laid in bed, cried, and napped, wallowing in my self doubt and negativity because well, my brain was being so mean to me.

Have you ever felt this way? Just completely at a loss, and because you didn’t do one thing right then all of a sudden you don’t deserve happiness or a good future or success?

Heres the thing. Sometimes things just suck. They do! Its okay to admit that, but heres the catch… staying in the negative mentality only hurts yourself. I know you probably want to throw your phone at me right now, and say, “Yeah, I know, I’ve heard this before: just be positive.”

Sure, you could just be positive, but does that teach you ANYTHING? Does that challenge the connections in your mind that are so used to being negative? Or are you just faking it, going about your day mad inside and dreading everything, but on the outside you say, “I’m happy the sun is shinning and the bunnies are dancing to natures song, and oh look theres a butterfly.”?

I guess what my point is, I’m giving you permission to be mad. Be upset. Feel that negativity.

Then, think about it, purposefully, who is it hurting the most? Is it worth it staying upset like this? What thought could be thought instead? How is this making you feel? Is this helping you take action on the things that matter most to you? (Thank you for the cognitive triangle psychologists.)

If yes, then by all means, the negativity is helping you! But I’m going to venture and say that the mindset of negativity and stuckness is only hurting yourself, and its definitely not helping you grow and take action on the things that matter to you. I know because I laid in bed and took a mind beating from my own mind and cried about it. I’ve been there too, and I could specifically feel my mind being challenged with that negative mindset while working on this monster portrait.

This is what she looked like after I got out of my head, after I decided I wasn’t going to quit and I was going to think new thoughts.

She’s not perfect, not by a long shot, but I am proud to say that the age of 30 I finished my first portrait ever attempted, and I didn’t let my negative mind stop me.

So, where are you battling your mind? How is it holding you back? Is it helping? Be honest with yourself, its okay to be upset. Just don’t stay there. We are our own worst critics, and I think its time we get out of our own way, and beat our negative minds at their game.